I've read a number of blogs titled something like "Why I'll Never Marry", and I think I'm ready to join the club. I have finally, for today, come to the conclusion that I just ain't the marryin kine. On a recent date type situation I mentioned that my brother used to be a Satanist (yes this was in context). Then I spent the next few minutes trying to reassure the guy that it wasn't me, and that it was a phase. If guys get uncomfortable with things like that, then I don't stand a chance in the dating pool. If I'm not attracted to the guys who ARE comfortable with it, which has been the case, then I'm screwed. I could easily avoid talking about my past, but I'm very likely to say something wrong that's brand new. I think I'm a pretty cool person, but I'm not sure how well I translate.
So in addition to that, I get these pretty lengthy bouts of "need to be alones". I can make a person feel very lonely while I'm in this self indulgent state. Then I feel all guilty for avoiding people; I mean avoiding ALL people regardless of how much I love them. Only because I don't want them to deal with my issues while I'm working them out, and I don't want them to inadvertently add to them. The problem is that I feel things intensely, or almost not at all. I don't take my feelings out on anyone else, but I'll spend lots of time in deep thought.
For the rest, I'm going to resort to my bulleted list:
• I like lots and lots of cartoons.
•I quote t.v shows, and try to re-tell comedian's jokes.
•Even when I'm butchering a story, I will continue to tell it.
•I sometimes lose interest in what I'm saying, and start to mumble. Once again I will not stop, because I already started and must finish.
•I will disappear without telling you where I am. I will alert my mom and sister of my whereabouts, but nobody else.
•I might be tired of you, but I won't tell you. I'll still be nice if you're a loved one. However, if we're not well acquainted, I just quietly remove myself from your radar.
•I do and say some dumb sh*t. Well, more off the wall than dumb. I don't know it's dumb until I get that "wtf?" look.
•I'm an idealist (except where marriage is concerned). I believe unicorns and fairies may exist. I've got no maybes about dragons. They were here.
•I like video games, but I'm so terrible at them that I never finish. On "Oblivion" I got stuck in the painting, and quit when the werewolves chewed my ass up. But I'll speak knowledgeably about games, and I'll feel like I'm a poser.
•I'm a vegetarian. I don't know if that's a shortcoming, but I dig it.
•I got unbelievably excited when I saw that "Supernatural" is starting up a new season!
•When we need to talk I'll probably smile, and lead with "Uh, hey, I was wonderin...", or, "Sooo..."; because I really don't like heavy issues. What I like less is not communicating. I've found a happy medium in my approach.
•I make jokes about movies, during the movie.
•I'll genuinely forget to tell you something, and you might get upset thinking I intentionally neglected telling you. Then you won't trust me.
•I am terrified of feelings I consider negative. I don't like sadness or anger, so I'll metaphorically run like the wind in the opposite direction.
•I was a bonafide nerd as a child (Star Trek, Mystery Science Theatre 3000, X-Men, +), but I retained very few memories, and kept all of the awkward personality. Again, I look like a poser due to my inability to remember the details.
On a serious note, I've noticed that women tend to tell a man what he ought to do, or play a sort of guide. I'm more likely to let you do your thing. I believe that people change or ask for help on their own terms, so I'll share my opinion when I'm asked. Don't get me wrong, I never take crap from anyone, and I'm pretty dang supportive. It just seems like men prefer women who guide them in a way, and I'm just not willing to do that. Yes, I know my ideals are probably skewed. I know that I'm picky as well, and I hear talk that my kind (picky) doesn't do well in this world. I'll probably do a post on my ideal guy in a future post, and let the abyss judge my standards.
I don't see myself really "settling down". I plan on a nomadic future. I want an absolutely amazing acting/writing/illustration/singing/dance/fitness/nutritionist career, financial security, my family happy, and to rough it around the world. I'm not sure too many men are looking for such a life. Well some of those things might be appealing, but I just want to go wherever the wind takes me. On the bright side, I won't be the cat lady because dogs are better. I want one or two big mutts that I'll adopt from the pound. Then we'll find ourselves successfully fighting off a pack of wolves in the woods of Ireland, and then me treating the wounds of those wolves who now bow to my mutt as Alpha. Kind of like Lumpy Space Princess. See? Statements like that are another reason I'll probably never marry.
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