Life on the Libra Scales: Join me as I disagree with my self.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Friday, January 6, 2012
Jumping on the No Marriage Bandwagon
I've read a number of blogs titled something like "Why I'll Never Marry", and I think I'm ready to join the club. I have finally, for today, come to the conclusion that I just ain't the marryin kine. On a recent date type situation I mentioned that my brother used to be a Satanist (yes this was in context). Then I spent the next few minutes trying to reassure the guy that it wasn't me, and that it was a phase. If guys get uncomfortable with things like that, then I don't stand a chance in the dating pool. If I'm not attracted to the guys who ARE comfortable with it, which has been the case, then I'm screwed. I could easily avoid talking about my past, but I'm very likely to say something wrong that's brand new. I think I'm a pretty cool person, but I'm not sure how well I translate.
So in addition to that, I get these pretty lengthy bouts of "need to be alones". I can make a person feel very lonely while I'm in this self indulgent state. Then I feel all guilty for avoiding people; I mean avoiding ALL people regardless of how much I love them. Only because I don't want them to deal with my issues while I'm working them out, and I don't want them to inadvertently add to them. The problem is that I feel things intensely, or almost not at all. I don't take my feelings out on anyone else, but I'll spend lots of time in deep thought.
For the rest, I'm going to resort to my bulleted list:
• I like lots and lots of cartoons.
•I quote t.v shows, and try to re-tell comedian's jokes.
•Even when I'm butchering a story, I will continue to tell it.
•I sometimes lose interest in what I'm saying, and start to mumble. Once again I will not stop, because I already started and must finish.
•I will disappear without telling you where I am. I will alert my mom and sister of my whereabouts, but nobody else.
•I might be tired of you, but I won't tell you. I'll still be nice if you're a loved one. However, if we're not well acquainted, I just quietly remove myself from your radar.
•I do and say some dumb sh*t. Well, more off the wall than dumb. I don't know it's dumb until I get that "wtf?" look.
•I'm an idealist (except where marriage is concerned). I believe unicorns and fairies may exist. I've got no maybes about dragons. They were here.
•I like video games, but I'm so terrible at them that I never finish. On "Oblivion" I got stuck in the painting, and quit when the werewolves chewed my ass up. But I'll speak knowledgeably about games, and I'll feel like I'm a poser.
•I'm a vegetarian. I don't know if that's a shortcoming, but I dig it.
•I got unbelievably excited when I saw that "Supernatural" is starting up a new season!
•When we need to talk I'll probably smile, and lead with "Uh, hey, I was wonderin...", or, "Sooo..."; because I really don't like heavy issues. What I like less is not communicating. I've found a happy medium in my approach.
•I make jokes about movies, during the movie.
•I'll genuinely forget to tell you something, and you might get upset thinking I intentionally neglected telling you. Then you won't trust me.
•I am terrified of feelings I consider negative. I don't like sadness or anger, so I'll metaphorically run like the wind in the opposite direction.
•I was a bonafide nerd as a child (Star Trek, Mystery Science Theatre 3000, X-Men, +), but I retained very few memories, and kept all of the awkward personality. Again, I look like a poser due to my inability to remember the details.
On a serious note, I've noticed that women tend to tell a man what he ought to do, or play a sort of guide. I'm more likely to let you do your thing. I believe that people change or ask for help on their own terms, so I'll share my opinion when I'm asked. Don't get me wrong, I never take crap from anyone, and I'm pretty dang supportive. It just seems like men prefer women who guide them in a way, and I'm just not willing to do that. Yes, I know my ideals are probably skewed. I know that I'm picky as well, and I hear talk that my kind (picky) doesn't do well in this world. I'll probably do a post on my ideal guy in a future post, and let the abyss judge my standards.
I don't see myself really "settling down". I plan on a nomadic future. I want an absolutely amazing acting/writing/illustration/singing/dance/fitness/nutritionist career, financial security, my family happy, and to rough it around the world. I'm not sure too many men are looking for such a life. Well some of those things might be appealing, but I just want to go wherever the wind takes me. On the bright side, I won't be the cat lady because dogs are better. I want one or two big mutts that I'll adopt from the pound. Then we'll find ourselves successfully fighting off a pack of wolves in the woods of Ireland, and then me treating the wounds of those wolves who now bow to my mutt as Alpha. Kind of like Lumpy Space Princess. See? Statements like that are another reason I'll probably never marry.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
My Irrational Fear of Hand Cancer, and Other Neurotic Concerns
I'm not afraid of many things that are more likely to happen. Not being scared makes me feel abnormal. So to make up for that, I have a series of unecessary worries that I generally don't speak of. Here they are in no particular order:
•Box corners, cabinet/table corners, and protruding parts on clothing racks. They are extremely dangerous. I once saw a co-worker damn near decapitated by a flat, flying box. What if I'm laughing and having a good time in [insert clothing store], when one of the pole things jumps out and scrapes me in the face? And it's all fun and games until you slip on some marbles, fall armpit first into a table's cabinet corner, and mom has to apply skin searing witch hazel (true story).
• Walking on trench grate covers. Sure they're capable of supporting plenty of human body weight, but how do I know when it'll decide to distribute said weight unevenly, sending me plummeting however many feet underground. Then I'll have to wait until someone finally hears my ever weakening cries for help. That could be months!
• Walking by tall buildings. No explanation for that one. I don't mind being in them though.
• Squirrels. I kid you not, THEY WILL CHASE YOU! Especially in L.A. I think they want to eat my face.
• Geese. Do not walk by a gaggle, with a Taco Bell bag.
• Psychics and telepaths reading my thoughts, or energy, without my knowledge or permission. There are things in there that nobody needs to know.
• Vampires being terribly unattractive, instead of terribly hot.
• Impressions of me.
• A massive object crashing through my room. Thanks a lot Donnie Darko.
• A natural disaster while I'm on the toilet. That would just piss me off... literally. Bad pun.
• Finally, hand cancer. This is no laughing matter either. Cell phones emit radiofrequency energy, a form of non-ionizing radiation. Tissues nearest to where the phone is held are able to absorb this energy. Buut what most makes my concern here irrational, is that there hasn't been a consistent link of these waves to cancer. Plus the concern is for the brain, neck, and balls. I only have 2 of the 4.
So there you have my irrational fears. It should be noted that I have absolutely no faith in them really happening.
May The Force Be... Family?
So I had this super sad dream last night, but I won't go into that. Anyway, it led me to a conversation with one of my brothers this morning. Things aren't exactly as awesome as they could...scratch that- will be, and it all got me thinking. As a teary eyed mess, who typically hauls ass away from emotions a.s.a.p, I came to a startling realization: I'm here for family! The absolute most important thing to me, in this universe is my immediate family. That includes my sister-in-law types too. I'm not concerned about me, outside of them. I'd subject myself to the worse neighborhood ever, but I don't even want to drive my niece through one.
This is startling to me because I wanted sooo badly to be selfish, and pursue my own twenty-something happiness. Plus I think it might be considered psychologically unhealthy. So you can see why finding that my happiness is closely intertwined with their happiness, was an "aww dammiit" moment. Now, I know it's normal to want your family to be happy, but I didn't know that I was one of those people who are DRIVEN solely by the needs of the family unit. Seriously, I have no other drive that's stronger than to see them flourish.
That led me to another strange realization. I don't care if I never get married! I could've sworn it was super important to me, but it's...not. What the frock man?! All these years, and all these fantasies about my wedding outdoors, in Colombia, and my colorful Indian style reception, are like nothing to me, relatively speaking. As I get older, I daydream about weekly family dinners that we ALL gladly attend and share, no matter where we drive or fly from; full family vacations and camping trips at least every other month; high school senior, and college expenses handled with ease; starting new traditions; just my family all beautifully taken care of and joyously together. I know I sound extra cheesey, but it's what drives me. It's what propels me to pursue something greater in life, second only to God Himself (and trust me, I'm not religious); so I suppose there's my healthy balance. Instead of them holding me back, they push me to be better, if only for them.
Well, third in line are the world. I wanna save it... but I think I'll start with the family first. Maybe down the line I'll add another member to the family, in the "Shape of: Hot man! Form of: My awesome Boyfrusband!". Get it? Huh? "Wonder Twin powers: ACTIVATE!"? No? Sorry ( hangs head and shuffles away slowly).
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Taking it Easy Ain't So Bad
So I'm out of school until February (at least I think it's February....), and don't know what to do with myself. I had planned to do the Winter session, but all what? basically 4 classes, were full by the time my registration day came around. I'll assume taking a break was fate. After all, I've got 22 units coming this Spring. Eeep!
So thus far my time off has consisted of:
• Waking up, showering and other hygiene enhancing processes, and getting dressed ( because I have this irrational fear of forgetting how if I don't do it).
•Turning on the "Steve Harvey" morning show or "Good Day L.A".
•Making a nice breakfast, obsessively remembering to include carbs, protein, and good fats.
•Setting a pile of books next to my bed, then checking my emails for something interesting.
•Reading my favorite blogs, getting inspired to blog because I think I get it, then finally not blogging because I'm afraid to do it wrong. Realizing I put too much thought into it, I just turn on the t.v instead, and sit one of those books on the bed next to me.
•I then watch re runs of "American Dad" and "My Name is Earl", and think about how great laughing is.
•After that, I either leave for a walk/bike ride, find some cartoon or biography to watch (sometimes "Friendzone" mini-marathons) while I clean or do laundry, or I take an unecessary nap. Seriously! Why the hell do I need a nap when I JUST got up a few hours ago?
•I watch four episodes of "Friends" in a row. Right now they're at Joey's unrequited love for Rachel, and Ross getting dumped by Mona. Show's still freakin awesome!
•I workout for about half an hour. Yes, dancing around counts too.
•Then I probably watch a movie while on the internet while I wait for "Ellen", "TMZ", "Big Bang Theory", and my prime time shows. I have to mention watching a combination of sports and "Family Feud" with my dad. The way my family gets into that show, you'd think we were really on it.
•Come nightfall, I either go out for some dancing with the girls, or stay in watching waay too much t.v and hoarding information from the books and internet (and info hoarding is a thing, I swear). Usually my sister calls on her way to work, and tells me all the crazy things that went down that day.
When I had an Ok Cupid account, I'll admit that I was a bit intimidated by the "fun" profiles of other women. And for the record, I'm not ashamed of looking at other women's profiles... ok a little ashamed. Hey, I wanted to know what I was up against. I DID feel lame in comparison, until I noticed a trend among men and women to paint up thee most adventurey sounding profiles they could. I'm not knocking that, because you only have about six boxes, and your best pictures to make an impression. I remember when I would try to hype myself up to men in person too. Like when they'd ask the inevitable "So what do you do for fun?". I'd be all "Yeah I'm so fun and kuhrazzy man!" in so many words, and hope they were impressed. I really wanted to say, "What? Should I have a list? I find everything fun that I think is fun. Work that out." Allowing that attitude to take over, my profile bio was a joke about Hulk Hogan by one of my favorite comedians. The most honest I'd ever been, in a first impression profile. Anyway, I've accepted that I enjoy my little bulleted daily itinerary above, in addition to arcades, hiking, school, being in bookstores for hours, riding around with my sister and her teenagers, talking to my mom and family on the phone, information hoarding, image googling terms like "hot pink stiletto sandals" or "ugly sweaters", cartoons, wandering my neighborhood, video games that I suck at and give me mild anxiety attacks, obsessing over what makes humans tick, going to the movies or Chili's alone and the strange looks I get for it, and that I prefer active dates over sit-n-talk dates. I also plan to travel, and sky dive, and drive a race car; but those things will come when I'm financially "secure". So I'm not too exciting by some standards, but you know what? I'm happy.
